It’ s in the confusion that you lose YOU ! I almost disappeared. Every remnant of me was slowly fading away, as I morphed into something unknown.
As I allowed your wants, your desires, your challenges, your criti- cism, your praises and your degradations to make me run and hide. To make me covet someone else’s life. That made me want to lock up my diamonds and rubies that have been purified, by the creator of life. I missed the message: that I am created in the image of the grand architect of the Universe. The only message I received, is that no matter how often I changed my masks to appease you … Every time, I walked away questioning. Every time, I walked away insecure. Every time, I walked away broken. Every time, I walked away, less of me, more of … something else … someone else. I looked foreign when I looked in the mirror at myself~ Who are you? Why are you here? The more I conformed to oblige you, guising it as selflessness, calling it my contribution to humanity, the stranger I looked; and my feelings became intensely foreign. As I put off my desires, goals, and dreams to follow the road map that you developed for me; As I placed your opinions in such a place of prestige, so esteemed that your voice became my voice, and my voice I could barely hear. Mymotto became, “what would the world do?” I was in you; I breathed you, I supped with you, I drank of you … and you still did not accept me.
So, then, I began to wonder … what is it about me? This totally conformable, transformable, positively perpetrating, chameleon that can, almost instantaneously, be anything and everything you need me to be; and, yet, you still renounce me as if I am nothing at all? Then, I read this verse, and the spell was broken off my mind. “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you declare the praises of Him whocalled you out of darkness into his wonderful light.” ~1 Peter 2:95 I’m chosen? I’m royal? I’m holy? I’m special? That’s not what they say as I lay my head on the pillow, wearied from the days toils. The next day I woke up, and looked in the mirror. I was not there, just a reflection of what should of, or what could of, but not what is. And, I thought, as I stood in overwhelm, with the stranger in my house staring back at me from the steam filled mirror; We exhaust so much energy trying to make ourselves visible to others.
We, daily, seek to impress those in whom we come into contact by our immense vernacular, our monumental achievements, our outer adornments and dress. We abandon our divine dream, encapsulated and embodied in our essence, as we transitioned from life eternal to life now mortal; in order to chase the worldly dream. We change-a chameleon in an ever changing environment. We have more faces and personas than colors reflected in nature. Man made, clones, of our external delights. We become … .others … .instead of ourselves. Perplexed, I pondered … Why do we spend so much time trying to be visible to others when we are invisible to ourselves? Is it possible for others to see what we cannot see? All this internal dialogue was enough to cause overwhelming fatigue. The days came and they went. I felt no substance, I felt nothing… On the final day, I awakened from what appeared to be a delu- sion that lasted several decades. On this day, I was beside myself, andagain, I examined myself and realized that I did not recognize me. It’s a peculiar thing not to recognize your own skin. Then, in mysubconscious recollection, I hear a voice uttering R.H. Sin’s poem, “My Own Stranger,” where he defined it best that some- timeswhen we consult the keeper of our own reflection, we don’t recognize self. The eyes that are the mirror to our soul have become convo- luted and disillusioned with the perceptions of others. So much so, that it will become your reality. It was mine.
But there was something different about today!
Because, on this day, I began to pray; and I discovered that I was lost.
A whisper spoke so gently and said, “Come unto me,” and, I could see myself, I could feel myself; and the most divine revelation happened. In that moment, I recognized God, and I also recognized me … for the first time.
So foreign yet so peaceful. God felt nothing like my reality.
I realized I had been called out of the darkness and into the light by His great pleasure. Beams of bright light and angelic voices radiated around me. I once was lost, but now, I am found.
I almost disappeared.
But, God found me, and led me to me!
Sha'Leda Mirra, Author of The Heart Centered Journey
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