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7 Keys of Secure Attachment

This week we are focusing on secure attachment. Secure attachment is characterized by a healthy and balanced emotional bond between individuals. It is important to note that attachment styles begin forming in childhood and are greatly impacted by our first relationships. This is why it is imperative that we heal from childhood maltreatment, trauma, and unhealthy interactional patterns so that we do not carry these traits into our marriages. In the context of marriage or romantic relationships, a secure attachment style tends to have several positive impacts:

1. Effective Communication: Individuals with a secure attachment style are generally better at communicating their thoughts, feelings, and needs to their partners. They feel comfortable expressing themselves and listening to their partner's perspective, leading to open and productive conversations.

2. Trust and Intimacy: Securely attached individuals tend to have a strong sense of trust in their partners. Insecurity is toxic to any marriage; therefore one must be intentional about praying for God's deliverance from insecurity. When trust and intimacy exist in the marriage, there is a strong belief that their partner will be there for them when needed and are more likely to engage in intimate emotional sharing and vulnerability. Trust and intimacy are necessary for authenticity to exist in a marriage.

3. Emotional Regulation: Securely attached individuals have a well-developed ability to regulate their emotions. They are less likely to experience extreme emotional highs and lows and can effectively manage conflicts without becoming overly reactive. From a paradigm of secure attachment, one understands the importance of appropriate display of emotions, and that LOVE is patient and kind!

4. Conflict Resolution: Securely attached individuals approach conflicts as opportunities for growth and understanding, rather than as threats to the relationship. They truly believe that two are better than one and because they are committed to the relationship and family, they are willing to do whatever is necessary to fight FOR their marriages and not IN their marriages. They are more likely to engage in healthy discussions to resolve issues, rather than resorting to avoidance or aggression.

5. Independence and Interdependence: People with a secure attachment style can balance their independence with the need for interdependence in a relationship. They value both their personal space and their partner's companionship, allowing for a healthy give-and-take dynamic. Friendship and companionship are important pillars in relationships where partners have secure attachment, which gives space for each spouse to dream, share those dreams, and achieve those dreams with unconditional support.

6. Long-Lasting Relationships: Secure attachment is associated with more stable and enduring relationships. These individuals tend to have a positive outlook on long-term commitments and are less likely to fear commitment or suffer from excessive jealousy. Divorce is not an option in marriages where secure attachment exist because there is an intentional focus on fostering a loving and supporting environment where each partner experiences safety and genuine acceptance.

7. Parenting Skills: A secure attachment style can positively influence parenting behaviors. Securely attached individuals often create nurturing and supportive environments for their children, helping to foster healthy attachment bonds with their own offspring.

It's important to remember that no one is perfectly secure in their attachment style all the time, and everyone might exhibit elements of different attachment styles in various situations. However, having a secure attachment style provides a solid foundation for building and maintaining healthy and fulfilling marriages or relationships. If individuals recognize that they have attachment-related challenges, they can work on developing greater self-awareness through prayer and revelation, and seek support, such as therapy, to promote positive relationship dynamics.

Today, you have been given the divine gift of choice. Remember to choose LOVE.

-Dr. Sha'

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